Christmas…

 Some say the spirit of Christmas is all around us…. but when you really think about it…. the spirit is simply that of material gifts, and empty wallets.
I’m no Scrooge by any means, but I really don’t understand why people go so crazy at Christmas time.  I love spending money on people, and I love their reaction once they’ve opened their gifts…. but I too respect that there’s a limit.  Especially in our economy today, most people, unless you’re making 6 figures, can’t afford to go all out on Christmas…. yet we still do it. 
Christmas isn’t and never has been about breaking the bank – it’s about spending time with the ones you love, whether that means a big family feast… or a small dinner with your immediate relatives.  I’ve only recently allowed myself to embrace the spirit of Christmas, but I will admit it’s been tough this year.  There are so many things on my mind that take its place… but the main thing on my mind, is the inspiration that’s missing – my dad.  My dad is the biggest Christmas enthusiast I have ever known, and his love of the season always brings a smile to my face.  From decorating the tree, to putting up my Christmas Towne, and even the lights on our house.  He was home the other weekend and it was the cutest thing ever because he worked all afternoon to get the lights up before I got home from work.  And what  a beautiful surprise that was. 

I can’t wait till this time next week, he’ll be home, and then it will truly feel like Christmas. 

Jazz; xo.

It’s beginning to look a lot like…. Christmas?

The stores are filled with happy shoppers…. the streets are strung with festive lights… and the houses are beginning to look like Christmas – well, sort of.  The holiday season is less than a month away, and we still have no snow, but for some people, that’s not enough to let their holiday spirit fade.
Me on the other hand, I need the snow!!  It really doesn’t feel like Christmas to me; a few people I know have already put up their Christmas tree, but my house is still bare.  We don’t even have our Christmas lights up yet… but in our defense, the set of Christmas lights we had up last year… had been up since we bought our house when I was 10.  We did buy new lights this past weekend during our “Black Friday” shopping… and hopefully they’ll get put up this coming weekend, but still, it won’t feel like Christmas.

I realize there is still just over 3 weeks of work left before Christmas arrives… but at the same time… that’s only 3 weeks!  I’m almost done my Christmas shopping, but still it doesn’t even feel like its December.  This year has flown by and it feels like everything has just been a huge blur.  I’ve done many things this year that I likely wouldn’t have normally done, which I can thank to my dear Jay, but at the same time, I can’t remember most of it.  It’s weird how as we grow up time seems to fly by, but when we’re younger, time just inches by; even though you want time to fly as fast as it can… it doesn’t seem to budge.  Now it just feels like I don’t have time to do anything.  It’s a good thing and a bad thing; good in the way that I love keeping busy, but bad in the way that I might forget something along the way.  But I guess that’s a part of this life learning objective we all have.  But back to my original point, it’s hard to believe that in a month it’ll be 2010.  And, I’ll be 22.  Eeek. Ha-ha, just kidding, I’m not worried about turning 22, but we’ll talk again when I’m 30… And then I’ll be sad. 

But still, the mission remains: when will the spirit of Christmas shine through?  It could be on the first snowfall… it could be Christmas eve with family all around… it could be during the Christmas feast… or, it could be that Christmas night’s sleep.  When the exhaustion hits, and I’m falling asleep in the arms of my one and only.  Hmm… That sounds good; I think I’ll go with the last option.

Jazz xo.

Define Goal…

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school.  I tend to frequent the Durham College website to see if they’ve posted their “Winter Schedule” yet, and just yesterday I learnt that it won’t be posted until December.  Unfortunately for me, that gives me a lot of time to question the decision.  Should I go? Is it worth it?  Can I afford it?  It’s really not a tough choice, but with that much time on my hands a gal like me can go crazy. 

The idea came up again last night, and the boyfriend told me that whatever my decision is, he would stick by me – followed by the question, “Well, where do you see yourself in a few years?” and “What are your goals?” – And for the first time, I was speechless.  Goals?  I haven’t had those since school!  First it was high school where you made goals that no one is likely to follow through, but then there was college where you lay out the goals that you’re “supposed” to complete.  So the question lies, what is a goal? 

By definition, a goal is the purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective; and for someone who’s already graduated college, you’d think they would have their goals set in stone.  Well, maybe not everyone, but I always thought I would.  But, then again, I’m also the same person who dropped everything and moved to a northern town MILES away from home by herself, to pursue what was thought to be my goal.  Tons of lessons were learnt, but never will I ever let myself believe that was towards my goals; it was more of an adventure, one that I’ll never forget.  Nevertheless, everyone needs a goal, or a few goals, or a long page of goals – it doesn’t matter.  Even if you never achieve them, it’s just something to get you through this process called life.  So I’ve decided I will lay out my “goals” and “dreams” as they are right now; better late than never, right?

#1) My interests have always been surrounded by “pop culture” so I know that is in my future somewhere.  Where?  I’m not sure, but at 21, if you’re sure, then you just haven’t lived.  Thus, my first goal: to take night school at Durham College to earn a Business Marketing Diploma, OR, the Marketing Management Certificate. 

#2) For some reason when I’m asked about my future, I can almost picture myself working in a marketing firm, or an ad agency.  A building which is kind of lame, but one with “pizzazz” and one of a kind employees.  Ones with character that I myself can get along with on a day to day basis.

#3) I’ve always, always, ALWAYS, wanted to live in Toronto.  Not for a long time, obviously, but maybe just for the remainder of my 20s?  I know once I have kids… (a dream of mine)… that I won’t want to live in the city. 

#4) raising a family in the country has always been another dream of mine.  I grew up in the city, and I feel I missed out on so much – Life, structure, obedience, and adventure!  Not that I think I was raised improperly by any means, I just think the country has so much more to offer.  Instead of sitting down in front of the TV, you could roam the forest, swim in the lake, fish, play sports; the possibilities are endless.

I think that’ll do for the goal list for now; it’s almost seeming unreachable.  I guess we’ll see.  Maybe the more your goals seem unreachable, the more they’ll come true?  There’s only one way to find out. 

Until next time…

 

Jazz

Miss BackWhen.

I was once told that what’s happened in the past, should stay in the past; but as days go by I realize that person was wrong, because it’s your past that makes you the person you are today.

Whether it be relationships, friends, or even a certain way you used to dress – they all come back to bite you on the ass eventually, but sometimes it can make for quite the feeling.

Just over a year ago, I moved back to Ontario from my home away from home. I met so many fantastic people out there, who will remain a part of my heart for the rest of my life – as cheesy as that sounds. Even though it seems as if you go months without even talking to them, all it takes is one small conversation to remind you of what was.

Sometimes you may even think that you miss it, and that you would be better off if you still lived in those days, but in reality, you’re better off. Some people can come out of a time period like that wishing that they never experienced it at all, and yes, it definitely can feel like that for the first while. But then you embellish and relive them through simple moments that happen in your future, and you catch a glimpse of your past. Your past plays a valuable lesson in your current life; it teaches you to do things differently if you want a different outcome, or if you want the same experience you can take the exact same route. The worst thing I see today is people that hold grudges on things that happened in the past. So many people I know “hated” a certain person back in the day, and they still feel the same today, likely without remembering why they felt that way in the first place. It’s a shame really. But unfortunately, that’s how life goes. Some days you win, some days you lose, you just have to remember that there’s always another road to stroll down.

Always remember your past, the bad, and especially the good. Everyone deserves a stroll down memory lane every once in a while, I just hope you take it.

Jazz

Vampires, we hardly knew ye.

Once upon a time, Vampires were scary legendary individuals and fierce, night creatures that would feast upon any one who crossed their paths.

 Years later those legends became feature films, ie., Bram Stroker’s Dracula, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and From Dusk Till Dawn.

A few years after that, Vampire’s started to gain more power as in such films like Underworld, the Blade Series, and Queen of the Damned; all good movies, but now… the legend of vampires has turned to dust.

Ever since Twilight came out, television and movie producers alike have been on a rampage of film making, demolishing any faith I had in Vampire stories. I used to love Vampire movies, especially the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I was younger I watched it millions of times because it was awesome for its time; but now, it’s just starting to get cheesy. Yes, I know, most horror movies are cheesy… but still the storylines for all these new “Vampire” flicks/television series are all relatively the same. Vampire see’s girl, finds a way to see girl more often, get’s girl mixed up in his vampire world filled with drama, and long story short, they end up living a deranged happily ever after life. It’s kind of embarrassing for the director, I actually feel bad for them… okay, maybe not because they ARE making a ton of money, but still, they can’t take pride for anything original.

The only vampire series that I have seen so far and actually enjoyed for its’ originality, is True Blood. At first when I started watching it, it seemed a bit typical – southern neighbourhood learning that Vampires are more than just a legend, trouble in town, people going missing and so forth – but it’s a whole lot more than that. The storyline is so creative that it makes you want to continue watching so you can see what happens next. It’s not just about vampires either, there are other mystical creatures involved, and actual interactions with vampires from different parts of the world – the only way you could make it more exciting is if it was real.

Seriously, think about it, Vampires roaming the town would be cool… as long as you don’t get on their bad side. I don’t know about you, but I’d think a vampire biting my neck would hurt quite a bit more than any tattoo I’ve ever had.

Point being, Producers… please… before you create any other take on the vampire legacy, please think before your script is written and put some CREATIVITY into it. The world will thank you.

Yours truly,

Jazz: the True Blood enthusiast (Death to Twilight! Ha, just kidding… I guess)

Muuussiiccc;

Today’s topic is music: old, and new. 

Do you ever wander through your old CDs, finding random music that you used to love?  I do, and I’ll tell you something else, it brings me back to phases of my life that I wish I could relive over and over again; on second thought, I could definitely do without the jet black hair, extra 15-20 pounds, oh, and the baggy clothes. 

Point being, the music we listen to describes our personality, and our life, through stages.  There are the softy stages like when you’re young (ie., Spice Girls, Christina Aguliera & Brittany Spears (both pre- whoreishness) oh… and how about this one, B*witched, remember them?)  When you’re younger the music is all about fun melodies, and catchy lyrics… even if you don’t know what they mean; as we get older, they start to become a bit more dramatic. 

Having two older brothers you can imagine I kind of ventured into the tomboy neck of the woods… which wasn’t all that bad.  I still cared about my looks and stuff, kind of, but not as bad as the Bratz or Hannah Montana children of today.  Our whole society has based itself on an image of beauty that no one will ever live up to, unless they’re plastic, and it’s kind of pathetic… but now I’m just rambling. 

Ahem, back to topic. 

My teen years were spent in the punk era.  I don’t even know what I loved about it so much now that I think about it…. Oh wait, yes i do: it was the fact that it was loud, fast, and full of moshpits.  But as I got older, well… as I began college I guess I should say, my musical tastes became eclectic.  I started to open my mind, and I liked it.  Then, oh boy, then, I moved to a little place up in Northern Manitoba known only as Thompson, and learnt the ways of the classic rock and country music.  I never thought it could happen, ever, but it wasn’t until I meet a certain group of people that it hit me: I love country music, and oldies!

Even still, my musical tastes are continuously changing, and likely always will be.  I still love my country music… but let’s face it, I can’t make everyone love it (even though both my parents, and brothers now know the words to most the hits), especially the boyfriend; I feel bad for him sometimes haha.  Now, I enjoy all genres… minus the classical and jazz; who knows, maybe one day right?

I’ll leave you to collect your thoughts… and while I do… here are a few songs that helped me get through some of the worst, best, and hilarious moments of my life.

Past

PRESENT

FUTURE?

Eeeek… I hope not, but hey, anything is possible.

Now I’m done. Cheers!

<Jazz>

Decision time.

As the summer passes by, I find myself continually being busy.  Not that that’s a bad thing, but I’ve never experienced anything like that.  Even when I’ve had boyfriends in the past it’s never been the same.  But this ones different.  He enjoys DOING stuff, which I also enjoy… we’re a perfect match.

Oh, and I think I’ve finally decided on this whole “Jessay’s future” thing.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about going back to school.  A) Because let’s face it, you need money to live, and writing commercials for the next 15 years will not get me anywhere I want to be.  B) I don’t exactly enjoy doing it anymore.  When I first started out, I loved it.  We were constantly busy, it was new, and it was experience.  Now, I know how to write commercials. They aren’t difficult.  I know what the clients’ USP is.  I know how to limit my ideas to 30 seconds.  And I’m bored.  Not to say that I never want to write commercials ever again… but I’ve reached a point in my career that I need other options “just in case”. 

Anyone that knows me, and knows me well, knows that I get bored very easily.  A good friend once told me, that it’s a good and bad thing: good in the fact that I’ll always be up to trying new things, bad in the fact that I’ll never be happy in one particular job for long.  The project now, is finding a job that has a high demand for a number of different tasks.  I know I’ll find it eventually, as Jay says, good things come to those who wait.  I know I’m young, I have a lot of a future in front of me, I guess I’m just in a bit of a hurry… I’m not too sure why.

Regardless, the option I have come up with… is to take a night school course.  When I was in high school, I was always interested in graphics, & design.  I took a lot of art classes, design classes, and even fashion.  The idea of creating something appealed to me, and it still does.  I often found myself doing typography allover my binders and things like that, and when I originally applied to college that was what I wanted to go into.  So, long story short, I’ve decided that my option is to take the Graphic Arts certificate course.  I think it would be a good addition to my educational background, and it could help me get some future jobs.  Plus, I enjoy the fact of going back to school.  I miss school.  I feel that I rushed into it too fast, and now that it’s over, it’s like what’s next?  The benefit of a night course, is that I can pay it as I go… I can choose how many classes I want to take at a time, and I don’t have to quit my current job.  It’s the perfect option!  The final decision will be made tonight… the first class starts Sept 15^th… I’ll let you know how my decisions go… Wish me luck!

 

Till then, keep it real;

Jazz.

These are a few of my favourite things…

Ello ello; so I’ve decided to take a different angle on today’s entry.  I always seem to rant about things that make me angry, or stupid people, etc, but today I’d like to take time to appreciate some of the good things in life.  Everyday you learn to appreciate something even if you don’t realize it.  Like a simple walk home from work for example.  Some days it’s a never ending road keeping you from getting home, and some days it’s a relaxing 15 minutes after a stressful day.  Almost as comforting as a deep breath of fresh air. 

How about the gym?  Do you frequent it?  I try to… but sometimes my day to day life gets in the way.  It’s not even that I do that much… but sometimes, snuggling on the couch with my sweetheart is a bit more appealing than sweating my ass off on the eliptical.  Yes, I know, I will never reach my goals if I don’t go… BUT, I do try to go at least twice a week. And if I can’t make it, I do something to make up for it.  Example? The boyfriend and I went for a bit of a walk at the lake the other day, and it was enjoyable. 

Ahh the boyfriend.  He’s definitely one of my favourite things, except, well, he’s not a “thing”.  No matter how many arguments you get in, if you can pull through it and still want to see them afterward, it’s meant to be.  In my opinion anyway.  He always seems to make me smile, even when I don’t feel like smiling.  And that’s what I love about him.  He’s silly, mature, cute, sexy, intense, moody, and a great listener – aka the perfect boyfriend for me. 

Music is another one of my favourite things, mainly because it comes in all forms, AND it’s great for all occasions.  If you feel like being loud and rowdy you can go to a concert, which I frequent (ps, I’m going to see Rise Against tomorrow night…. ) or you can relax and listen to it.  The thing I look forward to the most however, is the first ride I take when I get my new car…. cranking the country… it’ll be great.  What song will I play first you ask?  I really have no idea.  What a silly thing to think about eh?  There are so many awesome songs out there these days… that it’s hard to choose, but yes, it is an important factor for me… I’m weird. 

Next, the family.  They’re quirky, annoying, very moody, hilarious, loud, and… well… awesome.  We’re all red heads. We all like to party.  And we all understand each other enough that if you’re in a bad mood… stay the hell away.  It’s kind of “our thing”.  But the best part, is that there always there when you need them.  Even if you’re half way across Canada, which I pretty much was, they were a phone call away from being comforted.  But hey, that’s what family is for, right?

And last but not least… Beeeooo.  My precious little satanized kitty.  My brother is convinced he is part raccoon. He does match the profile… but he’s very cute!  He sometimes looks like he wants to kill you, but all he’ll do is try and scratch you… but if you’re smooth, like I, he won’t get you.  But there are times when that fuzzy little guy will just come up and let you pet him, and he’ll sit on  your lap, and those are the moments I cherish the most.  He was my only companion when I lived in Mantioba.  Always there when I got home, following me around everywhere in the morning while I got ready, and sleeping at my feet every night when I went to bed.  I miss those days, and Thompson.  But as they say… all good things come to an end. 

Okay, I’m about to get sappy so I’ll end it at that.

Cheercsh,

Jazz.

Life isn’t all sunshine and daisies…

Welcome back friends… today, I’d like to talk about Suicide.

It saddened me this morning to hear about the death of one of Toronto’s greatest DJ’s, Martin Streek. He was released from CFNY (Edge 102) in early May, and after 20 years there, I guess he felt he had no where else to go. Martin Streek was a phenomenal DJ, entertaining listeners and keeping us informed. Being in the radio industry myself, I definitely had a lot of respect for him. But suicide? Why? It sucks that so many people these days are resorting to suicide like they have no way out.
Now, of course we don’t exactly have any insight as to what may have been going on in Streek’s life these past few months… but the fact that a human being could think they have nothing else to live for is sad.

Throughout my life I have known a few people who have committed suicide, one being my uncle. I hadn’t seen my uncle in a few years, but I always knew what kind of stuff he was into. He did drugs, he drank a lot, and all to hide the pain of his wife leaving him. But eventually, that kind of treatment wears off and the only other option seems to end all communication with the world.

 My brother also suffers from depression and likes to threaten suicide often. Not so much anymore, but sometimes he has his days. It really bothers me. One day, about a month or two back, I was the first one home from work which was unusual. I came inside, put my stuff down and there was a big handwritten note on the back of a big page of his daughter’s stickers. A suicide note. Before even reading it I ran upstairs only to see my brother walking out of his room in tears. It hurt me to see him like that. But unfortunately for some people they just need to wait it out. As for my brother, he still has depressing moments, but his life is slowly getting back on track.

I think the thing that bothers me so much about the idea of suicide is that if you have that much on your mind that you’re actually contemplating it, why not talk to somebody about it? I realize no one will fully understand what you’re going through… but even just getting your problems all right there out in the open can do wonders.

In this life time, everyone will go through experiences and problems that may make them feel like they don’t want to be here anymore. That they don’t want to deal with the pain anymore. We will all go through it one time or another, even I have. But why not kick fear in the ass, and get your problems out of your system? Start new, and make life altering changes. It helps.

Okay kids, that’s my rant for today. Sorry for the touchy subject. I’ll have something less depressing next time.

Cheers,

Jazz.

Retract the claws;

I don’t know why lately, but my defenses are in high gear.  There isn’t necessarily anything wrong… it’s just whenever I feel someone is passing judgment on me the claws come out.  Ie., last night we were all at Mike’s house for his birthday and we suddenly felt the urge to make plans to go to Edgefest.  So I call the boyfriend up and tell him the news, see if he’s interested and he’s just like what’re you guys doin’ over there?  Yes the music was loud.  Yes it was a Thursday night.  But it was Mike’s birthday, so we had some drinks.  But it was just the tone in his voice, that judgmental tone and I got defensive.  Given, he did feel horrible afterwards, which I didn’t want him to, but still.  I don’t know.
Then today, my boss pointed out a wrong address in a script I wrote, but it came from an agency and their information was wrong.  I honestly didn’t even clue in that there could be something wonky with the address, I guess I didn’t really care. I should have, but at the same time their information should have been correct as well.  It wasn’t. Either way, my boss asked me about it and the claws came out.  I didn’t think it was that bad, but apparently it was bad enough for him to pull me aside and ask if I was okay. 
Maybe I’m not okay. Maybe I’m just sick and tired of this day to day boring ass bullshit that I just have lost my pride in this job.  I hate the fact that I’m saying that but it feels like the truth. I don’t care anymore. I’m comfortable saying that, the problem is what to do about it. I can’t even go back to school if I wanted to because I can’t afford it. I don’t even know if I want to go back to school. All I know is that I’m in a rut, and I’m not happy about it.
Some days I think maybe it would be easier to move back to Thompson. Away from drama, away from this job, people, away from this life.  But at the same time, I would miss my brothers. I would miss my wonderful boyfriend. And, let’s face it, I would miss the warmth.  Everything was just so much simpler there, or so it seemed. But oh well, time to suck it up… it’ll all work out eventually.  As they say, good things happen in time.  All you can do in the meantime is wait patiently.